While you probably needs guts more than you need a job, in the meantime YOU STILL NEED A WAY TO MAKE MONEY–namely so you can buy delicious craft beer and maybe that set of glow-in-the-dark adult onesie pajamas you’ve been lusting after for many moons. So if you’re on the job hunt? Here are twenty-five tips that will get your butt booted out of the office before you can say, “I shouldn’t have worn my fake moustache today.” (Note: you can also consider these twenty-five tips to avoid if, y’know, you actually want the job.)

1. Pee in the fake plant in the lobby. Bonus points if you’re a woman and have to squat camping style. Double bonus points if the plant is plastic.
2. Ramble aimlessly about how you’re worried you’re going to blow the interview–and then recover by offering to blow the interviewer.
3. Upon dropping off your application, use the corner of your cover letter to wipe the leftover cocaine off your nose.
4. When they look over their glasses and say that you might be a good fit for the position, shout, “I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?!” and flip over the desk.
5. Instead of a resume, just submit a poster board with collages of eyes you’ve cut out from various magazines. Embellish with glitter glue and hints of deer blood.
6. As soon as you’re greeted by the secretary, pin her to the floor and scratch her belly to assert your dominance.
7. Get a tattoo of the company’s logo to prepare for the interview. Across your left cheekbone.
8. When prompted to talk about your strengths, nonchalantly say, “Lying. And arson.”
9. If applying for a position to be an Administrative Assistant with the American Cheese Society, ask them if you’ll get a discount. And if they pay for laxatives so you won’t get constipated from all the cheap cheese.
10. Eat an entire rack of ribs in the waiting room. Be sure to drip on the carpet.
11. Send a courteous follow-up card in the mail, thanking them for taking the time to meet with you. Include a liberal sprinkle of arsenic. And a few strands of your hair.
12. When they ask what your biggest weakness is, simply respond, “My upper body.”
13. Decide that business professional actually warrants lime-green fishnets. And nothing else. (Alternative: Paint your face like a tiger.)
14. When the interview concludes, scream, “FOR NAAARRRRNIAAAAA!” and throw yourself into the coat closet.
15. If your nerves are getting the best of you, throw up into your hands and calmly wipe them on your interviewer’s suit jacket.
16. Only respond to questions in nonsensical rhymes. “I have a cat. Imagine that! I want this job. Glob, glob, glob, glob.”
17. When an application asks you to elaborate on your passion and enthusiasm for helping others, just tell them that customer service really turns you on…sexually…so you literally have passion for helping others.
18. Conclude the interview by letting them know you’ll follow up. No, really. You’ll follow up. You know where they live.
19. If asked what position you see yourself in, say “doggy style” or “quarterback”.
20. Talk in an unconvincing English accent. That accidentally transitions to Australian. And then Jamaican.
21. When asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” respond, “Watching you pump my gas.”
22. Dump 359 loose pennies on the desk before exiting, coyly wagging your eyebrows and stating, “Maybe these honest Abes will help me get in the game.”
23. If asked, “What would your previous supervisor say about you?” respond with, “I can’t poop at work.”
24. Try to negotiate benefits for all 2,183 of your codependents–the ants in your thriving ant colony–and insist on showing pictures of each and every one.
25. When going in for the we’ll-be-in-touch handshake, pull out a letter opener and ask if they’d like to make it a blood pact.