So, you know when you go on a shopping binge because YOU’RE HAVING ONE OF THOSE DAYS / WEEKS / DECADES and suddenly find yourself frantically typing ANY AND EVERY ONLINE RETAILER’S NAME INTO THE ADDRESS BAR THAT YOU CAN THINK OF, manically adding items to your cute little fucking virtual shopping bag while doing this little bouncey-bounce-in-your-seat move to one of the 403,000 remixes by Pitbull, excitedly gargling coffee and seriously wondering how hard it would be to bribe someone, anyone, to hook you up with same day shipping, because after all, this is 2013 and if someone can take the time to invent a fucking flask tie, for the love of christ, WHY CAN’T THERE BE SAME DAY SHIPPING?
I said fuck twice in that paragraph. Somebody whine to a conservative co-worker. I’ll wait.
ANYWAY. Fast forward to tomorrow, and once your shopping hangover dissipates, you check your email to find ALL THE TRACKING LINKS, and you see at least 14 emails from the companies you purchased from. You excitedly click into them only to discover—dun dun dun—they aren’t tracking links at all. They’re newsletters. Email blasts. Special offers. How could they do this to you? How could they treat you like you’re just any old shopper and add you to their MAIN MAILING LIST? You didn’t even sign up for that. All you did was purchase the world’s ugliest feather hat.
So then every two days until the day you die, you get another 14 emails from the same retailers whose newsletters you didn’t even sign up for, but since you probably didn’t read the terms and conditions that in size .456 print said that purchasing this item will automatically add you to the company’s “communications,” YOU ARE NOW TRAPPED IN THEIR WEB. And from here on out, you’re relegated to mass checking those types of emails every morning and deleting them out of your inbox every single time you open it. Because you’re kind of too lazy to unsubscribe manually from every one of them and frankly it’s just easier to hit the big D button.
The solution that will solve everything? (Excluding world peace and rogue bowel problems.)
Click on it. Enter your email. View the massive, long, incredibly shocking list of subscriptions currently going to your inbox. (Whhhhhat? I’m subscribed to Crocodile Dundee Fetish Porn?) And then simply click “unsubscribe!” on any that you don’t want to receive anymore. For free. And that’s all she wrote–next thing you know, the only emails you’ll be receiving are the ones you actually want.
And this one, of course. Wink.