I’ve been running a successful on writing & publishing business for almost ten years now. TEN. Which is like seventy in dog years, and like a hundred and seventy in internet years, which might explain why my wrists ache so much. Does this mean I get to retire? Kidding. I wouldn’t retire from this gig if they paid me; who else is going to run your favorite blog named after a crude redneck gesture? That said, as someone who is
An Ode to the Internet’s Worst Business Advice
A person, going into business for themselves for the first time: How can I get found? The Internet: Start a newsletter! Person: What, like a weekly bulletin? The Internet: No, like a newsletter. Person: So, like, write a bunch of updates about me, me, and me? The Internet: Yeah! A newsletter! Person: Every week? The Internet: Yeah! Content is king! Person: And then ask customers to actually request to receive something I wrote all about me, me and me? The
A Meditation on Shit Talkers
I got mad yesterday—like ear steaming, red hot, high-pitched, erratic kind of yelling mad. And, you know, I don’t get mad often. I’m generally very level-headed, very calm. Unless, of course, I’m drinking wine, in which case, “level-headed” might not be the best choice of words. Just ask the guy who filed a bogus chargeback on his credit card recently. I don’t play games. LET’S DO THIS, SON. But yesterday I got mad for a different reason—nary a fermented grape in sight. It
Starting a Sentence With “In My Opinion” is Bad for Business. Here’s Why.
Let me ask you something. If suddenly the building you’re in burst into gigantic, explosive flames, who would you follow to safety? The guy standing meekly by the exit whispering, “I think it’s this way, you guys?” or the guy who booms in a calm, confident, steady, self-assured voice, “THIS WAY.” (Sorry, ladies, following Vin Diesel is not an option.) As humans, we instinctually crave this kind of confidence. We want to feel confident, too, so naturally, we’re drawn to it.
The Internet Has Boundary Issues, and People Are Assholes. So What?
So I block this girl on the other day. Actually, it wasn’t so much a block as it was a ban (if only I could do this to people in real life?) because Little Miss Hot Pants thought she would be cute and tell me how much of a shithead I am on the TMF page. Granted, I am a shithead – especially if there’s no cream for the coffee – but that doesn’t mean I need to
The Smell of Desperation
You can smell the desperation. You see folks running sideways all over the internet trying to get noticed, be bigger, get heard. But there’s a simple truth that a lot of people forget: If your message is weak, no one’s going to care, no matter how loudly you parade yourself around. Have you ever had a conversation with someone in another language, and when you express confusion over a word, instead of explaining the word, they simply say it back
Cowardly Business Owners: An Epidemic?
Yesterday, I got stood up. As you may know, I have my hands in a boating company, and yesterday, a brain surgeon from the Carolinas simply didn’t show up for a charter—despite having submitted a sizeable deposit, and despite the manager waiting for him at the marina, calling, eing, iMessaging. One might be worried, if we hadn’t seen him later on that very afternoon at the local grill, at which point, hot-to-trot-fancy-free proceeds to completely ignore the manager—and our shouts
Extortion, Manipulation, Fraud & Deceit: Breaking My Silence
For nearly a year now, I have not slept. My fingers are constantly in motion, as I pick and pull and peel from the anxiety. When someone I grabs my fingers and holds them down against my will, my body automatically defaults to using my teeth to skin my own lips, shred by shred, before moving on to force my tongue along my bottom row of teeth, catching on the croed parts, over and over and over and over,
No, I Don’t Want To Do You Any Favors.
You know when you need a favor from someone, but it’s been seventeen months since you spe with them, so you start writing an e containing at least 2 full paragraphs making small talk, asking how they’re doing, so at the very least you don’t seem as self-involved as you are? I’ll make you cry if you send me an e like that. HEY ASH! <Thinly-veiled bullshit paragraph one>. <Thinly-veiled bullshit paragraph two>. By the way, I was wondering if
No, I Don’t Want to Be in Your Tribe.
“No, I don’t want to be in your tribe. I’m not your minion, and I’m not a cow.” -@ateegarden on . The internet popularized the concept of “finding your tribe,” and while Seth Godin’s bo by the same name is right on the money, the term itself has become cliché, stale, trite, boiler plate, and fucking offensive. …As has everything else the internet’s talking about in its little circle jerk. I’m tired of seeing my feed, my blog reader, and every single
People Bullying Your Time? An Answer for the Overcommitted, Overcrazed & Exhausted.
Know what’s a really big mistake? Letting people push you around. Letting people decide how you’ll spend your time. Guilting you into doing things you don’t want to. And generally taking a big fucking twirly straw and sucking up your energy until you’re a California raisin. Lo, people are assholes, alright? They don’t mean to be assholes, but everyone’s out to get theirs. Everyone’s got an agenda, and yes, they will e you about it. They will put you on
THE BUSINESS BLACKLIST: If You’re Doing Any of These 6 Things, STOP IMMEDIATELY.
1. The first thing on the No B.S. Business Blacklist? Putting up an auto-responder that tells all of your customers that “in the name of productivity” you’re only checking your e at 7am, 12pm and 4pm. Can everybody that’s doing this go fuck themselves, please? I don’t care about your personal time tables, and you’re wasting my time sending me back an e about it. What’s really happening is you can’t stand the fact that you actually have no idea how
CAUTION: Do NOT Pitch Yourself Like This. Ever.
I hate when there’s an elephant in the room. And let’s face it – we’ve got quite a few elephants roaming around our little on community. One of them is the fact that everybody’s trying to pitch everything, yet nobody knows HOW to pitch anything. For example, the other day we got this unsolicited pitch in our inbox: Name: Lo at me protecting the innocent. E-Mail: notarealeaddrress@littlepinkbo.com Subject: website launch press release (it actually was all lowercase like that) Hi