I used to be a really nice person. I was the kind of person who would nod sweetly and enthusiastically, as if I had a permanent coating of cotton candy on my lips—even when I was seething inside. (Whether this made me nice or a moron is still up for debate.) I would never question anyone else’s opinions, assuming that if they thought it, that made it true; that they saw something I didn’t. I would never tell anyone “no,”
The Answer To: “Where Do You Get The TIME?!?!”
Me: I’m writing a bo! People: Where do you get the TIME? Me: Every morning! People: WHERE DO YOU GET THE TIIIIIMMEEEEEEE?! Me: It’s in my schedule. Every morning, from 5am to 8am. People: But I could never cooooommmmmiiiiiittttttt to thaaaaatttttttt. Me: So what do you do when you have a client that needs something, or your boss? People: I do it on their time. Me: So do I. People: Huh? Me: I AM the client. This is a conversation
DROP THE FLOWERS RIGHT THERE: Six Original Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms Who Are Business Owners
If you get your mother yet another boring bouquet of flowers for Mother’s Day, I swear to god I’m going to reach across that screen, type the phrase “original Mother’s Day gifts” onto your keyboard for you, and force you to pony up a thoughtful idea. I feel like this is one of those holidays where moms worldwide are (secretly) mass-rolling their eyes and smiling over and over and over again, like a giant army of sullen Stepford Wives, every time
The Top 20 Most Original Gift Ideas for That Fucking Writer You Know (No, Not a Moleskine)
So you have to buy a present for a writer, huh? This inevitably means you’re left scratching your ass in the middle of the aisle of a Barnes & Noble as we speak, wondering which of the holy trifecta of cliché writerly gifts you should pony up for: A Barnes & Noble gift card, a moleskine, or a bo from the discount table. Unfortunately, nothing says, “I didn’t put any thought into this and I kind of resent having to
Just The Tip: Writing a Book? What if HOW You Tell the Story is More Important Than The Story Itself?
I know your dirty little secret. (Not that one. God forbid anyone on the internet finds that one out.) You want to write a bo. This means three things: You’re paralyzed with fear that it’ll suck. It’ll suck so bad that the entire world will snub you and right after that, they’ll reve your social security number and put you on display as an example of what NOT to do as a human. You’ve gotten really good at procrastination. “I should
Just The Tip: How to Be the Most Confident Person At The Table
When somebody doesn’t buy from you, which are you thinking? “Man, I’m a loser” or “Man, they’re a loser.” Getting cocksure is the very first order of business. And if you don’t feel sure of yourself, you know what you need? Not clients. You need to sit your ass down, read 100 bos, grovel for the chance to prove yourself, weasel your way into opportunities with people who ARE good, yank yourself kicking and screaming out of your fucking comfort zone, experiment,
Just The Tip: Tweet When You’re Dead
Death is weird. One minute you’re painstakingly slaving over the perfect status update, worrying about the new wrinkle in your forehead, and crying hysterically over the fact that you spilled a drop of creamer on the counter and WHY! CAN’T! ANYTHING! BE! EASY!, and the next, well, you don’t even have the privilege of popping a zit. Maybe you got creamed by a getaway car. Maybe you found out you’ve got life-threatening lupus. Maybe you accidentally tripped over the neighbor’s
No, I Don’t Want To Do You Any Favors.
You know when you need a favor from someone, but it’s been seventeen months since you spe with them, so you start writing an e containing at least 2 full paragraphs making small talk, asking how they’re doing, so at the very least you don’t seem as self-involved as you are? I’ll make you cry if you send me an e like that. HEY ASH! <Thinly-veiled bullshit paragraph one>. <Thinly-veiled bullshit paragraph two>. By the way, I was wondering if
Just The Tip: 10 Reasons Business Partners Can Be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Idea.
At some point, you’ve gotten drunk and thought to yourself: I wish I had a business partner! This wouldn’t be so scary! It would make it so much fun! We could do it together! We’ll ride off into the sunset! Like Thelma and Louise! And they’ll keep me accountable! And we’ll make ALL the money! …and having double the capital wouldn’t be bad, either. *wide grin* As someone who’s had multiple business partners, negotiated multiple business partnerships, worked alongside
Just The Tip: The Surefire Way to Get Paid Every Time (And Avoid Having to Call On The Mob)
You know when someone reaches over and steals a fry, and for the slightest split second of a moment you’re pissed? It’s really only for a split second, because immediately afterward, you tell yourself to stop being greedy, and that you didn’t need to be a fatass, anyway. But there’s just something about an unauthorized eater, right? Multiply that feeling by 100,000 and that’s what it feels like to have someone steal money from you. Except you aren’t just pissed for
Just The Tip: How to Avoid Becoming a High Strung, Stressed-Out Jockstrap.
Stress. If handling it well means binge pooping and frantically screaming at the furniture ivery man that he ruined your life by bringing the wrong color chaise lounge chair instead of this gorgeous one THAT I WAS SO EXCITED TO SIT ON, then I get an A+. I don’t like stressy people—they’re a bunch of jockstraps. So the fact that I was turning into one wasn’t exactly my ideal, ahem, position in life. And so last year, I made the decision
Just The Tip: Is Your Package Big Enough?
Confess. You’re reading this because the title made you think of male genitalia. (…And now you’re thinking about how weird the word “genitalia” sounds.) I know, I know. I tried to avoid it, but really, I can’t. Because today’s tip is about packaging your service or product offerings, so why be modest? I’m not even modest on Sundays. If you’re in business, about to be in business, or hallucinate that you own a business, then you’ve probably had the following conversation
Just The Tip: 10 Phrases You Need to Eighty-Six From Client Emails…FOREVER.
Everybody worries about being nice these days. We tiptoe around our own words, soften everything we say, and generally ask permission to have our own opinion. But unfortunately, nice isn’t a selling point. People do business with competent people, with smart people, with successfully branded people, with interesting people, with creative people, and with people whom they think can help them get ahead. They do not do business with nice people. Not if that’s all you’re bringing to the table,
Just The Tip: This Tool For Selling Your Stuff Online WINS. (Breasts Down.)
There are few things in this world that I really looooove. Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer certainly makes the cut. (I swear it’s the reason why I’m in my thirties and don’t have a single eye wrinkle. A single one. I swear. It’s WEIRD. Am I an alien? I must be an alien. Comeee anddd gettt meeee, Willlll Smithhh.) This bo pretty much makes me want to shout from the rooftops to never force yourself to answer another e again. (Seriously. How much
Just The Tip: The Final Formula For Writing An Effective Apology
You’re going to fuck up. Or at the very least, at some time in your life, someone’s going to think you did. And while each apology is going to require its very own dollop of attention, these three steps will get you started in the right direction, (which everyone knows is due North). 1. Keep it brief–not to be confused with showing them your briefs, which might make things worse. Get in, get out, and get over it. The longer
Just The Tip: Gorgeous Websites Without a Designer
She loed me in the eyes, grabbed my forearms, and told me I was the spawn of satan. It was right after I started The Middle Finger Project, and apparently the name choice didn’t go over too well with some folks. Folks from my “real life.” Folks who were in my feed. Folks who non-ironically used words like “spawn.” I considered it for a brief moment before dismissing it entirely and moving on to important things, like the
Just The Tip: 3 Things You Forgot About Email (And How to Make Sure YOURS Get Read)
1. Don’t forget to ete “display images” at the top. Relevant for folks using any type of e marketing software like AWeber, Infusionsoft, or one of my new favorites, Klaviyo. Why? Because otherwise, it’ll land in your customers’ inbox, showing “Display images…” as the subject . And not only will it lo obviously like a mass e, it’s also not a very great way to excite anyone to click into your message. And like it or not, that’s your job:
Just The Tip: Your Customers Already Told You What To Say.
“If you were a pizza ivery man, how would you benefit from scissors?” “Why is a tennis ball fuzzy?” “What is your least favorite thing about humanity?” “How does the internet work?” Can you believe this? There are innocent people getting clobbered with these kinds of interview questions in dimly lit corporate offices AS WE SPEAK. (Except actually just kidding, because I happen to think those questions are excellent. You really want to weed out those drug lords, you know?)
Just The Tip: Difference Isn’t About Being Different.
You know what I’m passionate about? Elephants. Big, giant, hot chartreuse, polka dotted elephants. In the room. On. Where there’s at least one Nigerian Prince sending out es with the salutation, “Friend.” (Oh wait, that was me.) Right now, the elephant in the room I’m sitting in is the increasingly common practice of—how should I say it?—embellishing how to describe what you do // help with // are. “Me? I’m the Chief Happiness Officer and I, well, I help people self-actualize.”
Just The Tip: Get Yourself Some Enemies
Elementary school ruined everything. They tattooed horrible cliches onto our 8 year old hearts to “think big!” — “aim high!” — “walk with your head down in single file OR DIE” — — which probably explains New York City. While I know they REALLY wanted you to become an astronaut (or at least make sure you knew how to spell astronaut), I really want you to come back down to earth because every time you run off and “think big,” you know what
Just The Tip: Make Technology Your Bitch. Not the Other Way Around.
So we should probably talk about the fact that anything with a <div> in it is automatically on my shitlist. I’m not entirely sure why everything on still requires you to have a PhD in HTML, CSS and every other special acronym you want to add, but you should know that the other day I blew on an old, decrepit danion and wished somebody would come along and make the entire internet USER FRIENDLY. Alas, wishes don’t actually come true
Just The Tip: Don’t Invent a Product Name. Engineer One.
It’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m boarding a plane to Nicaragua. Today’s tip should really be: Don’t board a plane before you having at least one successful hour being awake. It’s bad enough trying to successfully stumble to the bathroom in the middle of the night; try stumbling through a gigantic metal maze of impressively long human conveyor belts, lunatics with luggage, signs designed to be advanced brain teasers (if your gate is between 35-135, turn right, do a series
Just The Tip: Nobody Wants Your Free Goodies
Alright, it’s time we had a talk about your goodies. I’ve seen free goodies being offered all over the internet for year after (painful) year, and I really have to wonder: Are they honestly as good as Ciara’s? Kidding. We both know that’s impossible. Have you seen her abs? Regardless, if you’ve ever caught yourself writing, “Sign up for my newsletter and get this exciting combination of free goodies,” you should hide. I’m coming for you. Because yes, I AM the free goodie
Just The Tip: Why Screaming Won’t Get You Heard.
You know when you’re in a group of people… …and you start telling a story, and that one jerkoff starts talking over you, hollering at the waitress mid-sentence, or answering the phone, or by turning to say something to somebody else, and then all of the sudden you don’t really know if you’re suppose to keep telling the story, or pause and wait to tell the story, orrrrrrrrr ??? So in a blind social anxiety panic you don’t pause to wait because
Just The Tip: Hourly or Retainer OR….
» Cash flow challenged? » Do a bunch of work you won’t get paid for until you bill next month? » Burned in the past by clients who disappear & never actually pay the bill? No, this is actually not the opening to an infomercial, as much as I’d to show up on my ex’s television screen at 3am. But it is a problem that a lot of creatives have. And so, a lot of creatives turn to the
Just The Tip: Genius Isn’t Always Obvious
You know when someone questions one of your decisions, and you smile and nod politely, but in your head you’re all, “I DON’T NEED TO JUSTIFY MY DECISIONS TO YOU! WHO ARE YOU? OF COURSE YOU WOULDN’T SUPPORT MY DECISION, PERSON WHO HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING, EVER. WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW? YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A BLOG.” (Do you see me winking at all you people on the internet with blogs?) While you don’t necessarily need to justify your decisions
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