10 Signs You’re Going To Have The BEST Weekend In History

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1. Your dinner option includes an item aptly titled bacon-wrapped bacon.

2. And dessert is a beer bong. Attached to a helmet. For safety.

3. You’ve hired a stripper masseuse stripping masseuse erotic improv bodywork troupe.

4. You have a master plan to steal at least one national monument like goddamn Carmen Sandiego.

5. You’re planning to Instagram a picture of your dog in a sequined Loch Ness monster costume.

6. You’ve vowed to guiltlessly lick off the inch-thick frosting from a salted caramel cupcake. Using someone else’s tongue.

7. You’ve preemptively put a cast on your arm—just in case.

8. You have at least one movie in your Netflix queue rated R for “suggestive language”.

9. Your purse is filled to the brim with pastel wedding mints and one tiny rodent.

10. Three words: Three-day weekend. (That trumps the rest, don’t you think?)