I have a friend named Melissa. (Yes, I have friends.) Melissa doesn’t have a job. She spent her twenties and thirties working for other people as a professional headhunter–(am I obligated to make a Headless Horseman je here?)–before finally going back to school to pursue an advanced certification in Human Resources. And then she waited. And she waited. And she waited. For years. Every job interview she went on, she was either overqualified, or the role she wanted was already taken. (Usually
“Land of the free, home of the brave” should really have some fine that reads, “as long as you stick your tail between your legs, binge drink at baseball games and lo the other way.” As a population of people horrified with the slave practices of the past, it’s a bit ironic that most go through life participating in a slave practice of the present. As a society based on ‘time is money,’ they’ve got you by the balls.
I sloshed on yet another layer of gloss, steering frantically with one hand while trying not to rear end a truck full of cows. I mean, what would I tell the Life Hoy group? “We didn’t pick you up at the airport in San Jose because, see, there were these cowsssssss.” Even I would think I was making it up. And the only time I make anything up is when the chicken is overcoed, because what kind of person actually calls another
Unless you’ve been hiding away in a basement bar… …or maybe just not opening our es – *flares nostrils* – you know that tomorrow is a very big day for me. For us. For HUMANITY. <–Okay, so that part’s probably an exaggeration. Because tomorrow’s the day that I open the doors to a brand new division of our company—but a very old dream—Life Hoy Worldwide: Cross-cultural travel experiences that take perfectly nice people and turn them into braggy assholes with
My mother had severe anxiety disorder. Diagnosed. Verifiable. Psychiatry level. She’d sit in the living room, what iffing life as it passed her by out the window. What if that check doesn’t come? What if that bill is high this year? What if I can’t go? What if it snows that day? My 16-year old go-to response was always, “Mom, everything’s going to work out. Everything always does in the end. Don’t worry.” And at the time, I truly believed it. Whether
I’ve got a theory. Don’t tell anyone, because if they take it to heart, they might get even better at this business thing, and then what’s going to happen is that one year from now, you’ll somehow find yourself eating red velvet cupcakes at their bo signing instead of your own, except you won’t just be eating one cupcake, you’ll be eating several, because that’s what people do when they’re feeling subpar, right? THEY BINGE EAT. I hear that a lot of
“No one will give me a chance.” “There are no opportunities.” “I don’t know how to break into the field.” “If no one gives me a shot, how can I build the required experience?” I hear a lot of that type of chitter chatter on the streets these days. And frankly, I’m tempted to buy a cane just so I can swat people with it. If Jenna Marbles thought this face was scary? Imagine me with that same crazed lo on
It’s Friday, and I only have one thing to say to you.– “The only thing that is distinctly different about me is that I’m not afraid to die on a treadmill. I will not be outworked, period. You might have talent than me, you might be smarter than me, you might be sexier than me. But if we get on the treadmill together, there’s two things that can happen: Either you’re getting off first, or I’m going to die.
Remember: Whatever you want to do in 2013, you can do. Whatever you think is too hard, too complicated, too overwhelming–you can figure out. Whatever things you wish you didn’t have to do any–you can renounce. Whatever mistakes you’ve made–you can forgive. Whatever direction you want to take–you can take. And whichever jerk off tells you otherwise–you can punch. Happy New Year. I you. Much than my ex-boyfriend.
It’s polite to: …fulfill your obligations. …answer them back right away. …nod in agreement. …go with the flow. …do as you’re asked. …drink because they are. …take their call. …give your undivided attention. …fill the silence. …and always be there when they need you. Then again, no one’s ever done anything remarkable by always being polite. Be stingy with your time in 2013. It is, after all, yours.
Can we talk about the fact that I dislocated my thumb this weekend while trying to pull up my pantyhose? Who does that happen to? Surely Princess Di never had these types of problems. But me, certainly, and I’ll tell you why: Because those pantyhose were way too fucking small for that thing I got back there called an ass. Pair some stubborn pantyhose with an even stubborn wearer, and you’re bound for injury. Despite saggy pantyhoe syndrome (you
You aren’t crazy for wanting what hasn’t even occurred to them to want. You aren’t crazy for needingwhat they would only deem a luxury. You aren’t crazy for demandingthat circumstances yield to you, instead of the other way around. And you aren’t crazy for taking what it means to be human, and turning it upside down. You aren’t crazy for trying. Crazy for loving. Crazy for caring. And you certainly aren’t crazy for living. You aren’t crazy for
Well, well, well – lo at TMFproject blowin’ it up with blog posts on the daily. Don’t get used to it. At some point I will absolutely go back to 2-3 posts/week – probably once I get skinny again and being outside in a bathing suit is actually FUN. Ahem. (Wait, will I ever get skinny again?) (Wait, did I really just aggressively gnaw into a hunk of cheese while asking that?) (Of course I did. IT’S CHEESE.) Today, however,
I have many beliefs. Like black lace, for one. Or a perfectly timed comeback. Or that no matter where I am in the world, coffee will always taste better through a straw. (I’m even incd to call this fact than belief.) You know, the important stuff in life. But there’s one belief in particular, one belief that has served to inform every aspect of my life, from dawn until dusk, til death do us PART. (Likely the only time
All the things you think you need this year, you don’t. You do not need determination. You do not need discip. And you certainly do not need diligence. Are you kidding me? You are a Westerner–you’ve got plenty of that. Why else have you gotten up every single day and begrudgingly gone off to work at that job that makes you miserable? Why else have you lived your life doing things you don’t like, because you “have
I received this e last week (published with permission): Ash, Thank you. No, seriously, thank you. I can truthfully say that post was one of the best posts I’ve read in the sphere. I lost my mom when I was eight; I actually wrote/performed a one man show about it (It’s a comedy, trust me) so automatic resonance points for that. I’ve been trying to get on this life design tip for a while, with no success lately. I’ve been
OBLIVIOUS When tears silently fell from Elizabeth’s cheek upon finding the note from her r, 3 days before their daughter was born that read: “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” ASHAMED When classmates asked where my daddy was. I lied & told them he was Crocodile Dundee, and had to be in Australia to tame the outback. CONFUSED When we used different money than everyone else to buy bread & milk. BITTER When I was 14 and sat in the
MYTH: You think to yourself: “You are no Chris Guillebeau; you should just go find a job.” –Fear expressed from an actual reader e If you’ve fallen into the trap of thinking you aren’t interesting enough, not smart enough, not savvy enough, not fill-in-the-blank enough, you’re, first, wrong, and second, ignorant of the way the world works. This is no cheesy, self-help, have-faith-in-the-power-of-you! speech—as much as I those—this is about cold, hard facts. While it is absolutely true that
Truth: Most people will walk this earth for decades, feeling guilty for not pursuing the great adventures inside of them, but will never do anything about it. Truth: Most people are overwhelmed by fear, and will make some of the worst choices of their lives because of it. Greatness evolves from trust–in yourself, in your ideas, and in your ability to know, deep down, what’s best for YOU. We must not betray that trust, because the moment we do, we
I need my life to feel meaningful. I must work toward something I believe in. I want to create value. I want to be bold. I want to live up to my own expectations. And never settle unless I choose to. I want to be exhilarated by every single day. And be in awe of life. And the world. And my part in it. I want to trip. I want to fall. And I want to get back up. Lo
Once upon a time, I was feeling stuck. If my suspicions are correct, many of you reading this might feel the same way right now. You can’t get motivated. You aren’t excited about anything. You’re tired all of the time. Lifeless. Indifferent. Apathetic. You’ve stopped caring—about yourself, about your goals, about the things you used to. You weren’t always this way; at one time, you were optimistic, driven, determined, confident and generally happy with the direction your life was going.
Sometimes, the shit hits the fan. Sometimes, you find yourself living out of your car, storing all of your toiletries in an oversize red purse, lodging sweatshirts in between head rests and sunroof panels to block the windows so you can sleep, explaining to unsympathetic credit card companies that you can’t pay your $41 minimum payment because you’ve got negative $12 in your bank account, having border nervous breakdowns over what Equifax is going to have to say about all
It’s easy to let the little things get the best of you. I know that every time I burn a grilled cheese, a small part of me dies inside. Which is every time, actually. But I don’t really die inside; rather I just learned to charred bread. Mhmmmm! See how easy that was? Beyond the magical undertaking of perfecting a grilled cheese, we tend to get wrapped up in all of the here-and-now details of daily life. We become
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I can vividly recall the first time I wrote a resume. I typed away on our clunky, jumbo HP desktop, silently muttering words that shouldn’t appear in any resume each time autoformat would sneakily attempt to take over my painstakingly-created bulleted list of achievements. To this day, autoformat and I remain sworn enemies–and with reason, might I add, since I always felt that autoformat was the electronic version of those pushy people who insist on offering unwelcome, unsolicited advice. I
A collection of truths life truths & the premise for this entire website.