If you get your mother yet another boring bouquet of flowers for Mother’s Day, I swear to god I’m going to reach across that screen, type the phrase “original Mother’s Day gifts” onto your keyboard for you, and force you to pony up a more thoughtful idea.

I feel like this is one of those holidays where moms worldwide are (secretly) mass-rolling their eyes and smiling over and over and over again, like a giant army of sullen Stepford Wives, every time another member of the family proves to be entirely predictable, going through the motions of buying something (anything!) because they’re obligated to, and not because they actually want to demonstrate their love and appreciation. (Listen to me, getting on my high horse. I don’t even have a mom!)

Over the holidays I wrote this post – 21 Last Minute Gift Ideas (That Aren’t a Freaking Yankee Candle) – and a lot of those ideas could certainly work for you now. (I still really like “A Day Off From Their Life, in a Basket.”)

I think we can do better than a bouquet of fucking flowers, don’t you?

The first gift I’m going to recommend is obviously going to entirely selfish: Why not give her my very own creative writer Jessica? Yup, you can now buy Jess. That sounds a little sex-traffickey, but I promise it’s not. We have been running a clandestine operation over here for months now called Word Lipstick, and Jess is in charge. You can have her write almost anything for you for $500 bucks. She books you a day, and you guys work back and forth together as she writes and you provide feedback and edits. From select pages of website copy to product descriptions to book jackets to renewed wedding vows, Word Lipstick is a catch-all for à la carte creative copy needs. Is there something you’d like to have written (and maybe even framed?) for YOUR mom? Email Jess right now at jessica@houseofmoxieinc.com. (AND TELL HER THE WRATH OF ASH SENT YOU. MUAHAHAHA.)

Another favorite idea: Why not send your mom (or yourself!) to a cute little Air B&B for the night? There are castles and cottages, treehouses and city lofts. They’ve even got a “just for the weekend” section on the site now. What mom (and especially business owner moms) couldn’t use a little guilt-free R&R? (Just don’t accidentally send her to anywhere you’ve found on Kink B&B.)

How about hiring a photographer to do some fantastic head shots? Or some family shots? Or some boudoir shots? Ooo la la! These bad boys need to be freshened up every five minutes, so even if your mom business owner already has headshots, guess what? I guarantee you she wants new ones. Have a camera of your own? Why not rent a studio (this place rents them to people just like AirBnb rents apartments), grab some champagne and some props, and make a girl’s day out of it?

Know your mom’s website sucks? Why not hire a designer to jazz up her brand? THIS IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE BEST GIFTS EVER FOR BUSINESS OWNERS. Business owners like myself are fascinated by designers because we have no flipping idea how Photoshop and Illustrator work, and yet, WE NEED THEM DESPERATELY. (I don’t know too many designers who are available right now, but I *do* know that Jamie, owner of Shatterboxx Design, editor advocate at Thought Catalog & my partner on Brandgasm 101 has opened up her services again and is now offering a bold new header design & branding kit right now for stupid cheap. Email her at jamie@shatterboxx.com.)

Want to do dinner but don’t want to make another boring reservation at the same old, same old restaurant? Why not surprise her with a private chef arriving to the doorstep, ready to whip your Sunday into something WAY more memorable? You can find private chefs on this website, or why not have someone come over and Kitchen Surf?

Worse case scenario? Just take a look at this list of super cool smart things, close your eyes, and PICK. From smart bedding to smart luggage (YUP), to coffee makers connected to wifi, I’m pretty sure you just can’t lose. You just can’t.

No matter what you do, your mom will thank you.

Your job?

Is to make sure she meant it. 

(And also to stop creeping around that Kink B&B site.)