Potty Mouth Ambirge Strikes Again: Reporting Live From Costa Rica, Hot Poker In Hand.

IN: Life

So this past week, I took a motherfucking vacation.

And do you know what?

I’m going to take vacations all the time! It’s been decided! Vacations are just way too great to not take! Why aren’t people vacationing all the time? I hereby declare every last week of the month vacation week. Not only do you get to drink (obnoxious amounts of ) fruity umbrella drinks without an ounce of guilt, you also get to do cool things like burn the shit out of your pasty ass skin ON PURPOSE, and haphazardly throw yourself off of a cliff high above the tree tops in the jungle while relying on some little fucking pulley to KEEP YOU FROM PLUNGING INSTANTLY TO YOUR DEATH.

Can you imagine the field day the iguanas would have with your body?

I know that I’m living here, technically, just as I lived in Chile and Spain this past year, and while it may look like I’ve been on constant vacation for years, I haven’t been–I don’t think I’ve shut my laptop for an entire week since the days when AOL was macking the whole dial up scene, and people actually drank bubble tea.

So I’m pretty sure that the point of this blog post is to tell you to go take a damn vacation already, because it was OH so good for mental clarity and regained focus. But obviously it wouldn’t be as much fun if I just came out and said that, so instead, I’m going to rub my vacation in your face so hopefully, by the end of this post, you’re gritting your teeth and hoping I get kidnapped by Colombian guerrilla warriors (who would totally be good-looking) who would slowly torture me day in and day out for months on end using unsanitary sheep shaving tools and/or cages full of mosquitoes.

Here is an obnoxiously boastful list of the things I did last week (that I hope you hate me for, as to light even more of a fire under your ass):

  1. Doggie paddled beside big, bright yellow fish in the Pacific (Who I thought were going to nibble my toes, but didn’t. Picky bastards.)
  2. Slugged a delightfully rum-filled watermelon daiquiri alongside of million dollar yachts
  3. Met (and then ran from) a scarily inappropriate man who is building a hedonism resort behind his sushi restaurant, and wanted my help selling time shares to dirty old men who want to hang out on their balconies and gaze at hired naked prostitutes (Got the tour! Fucking shoot me!)
  4. Videotaped my best girlfriend from the United States hilariously singing N-Sync at an obscure karaoke bar on a dirt road in backwoods Costa Rica
  5. Ran a 36 mile stretch on jet skis with a big, muscular black man who fed us pineapple in the middle of the ocean, once we cut the engines
  6. Held an iguana, fed a baby deer, saw exotic cats and watched a baby monkey on its mother’s back
  7. Ate the world’s best Peruvian food
  8. Spent a morning out on a boat, sportfishing and drinking beers at 8am with one of the area’s most well-known restaurateurs.
  9. Explored a far-away mountain village by car–and then by foot.
  10. Nearly assaulted a man going house to house on a dirtbike, stopping to peer into the windows of each home with big, giant binoculars–but then realized he was from the electric company, reading the meters. (Oops!)
  11. Danced meringue so much, sweat started pouring down my face, causing makeup to drip into my eyes and burn them so bad I had to sit down.
  12. Tried my very first Bloody Mary. (That’s right. My very FIRST. I know. You’re shocked.)
  13. Attempted to go horseback riding 6 kilometers to a series of waterfalls in the jungle (but totally missed the start time)
  14. Went wave diving on one of Central America’s most well-known surfer beaches
  15. Drove fearlessly through downtown San Jose, the nation’s capital–a feat in itself.
  16. Ziplined through the rainforest–AND did a special line, 1 kilometer long, over a teak plantation.
  17. Thought of a brilliant new business idea, and documented initial concepts + ideas
  18. Sipped fresh coconut milk from a dude with a machete.
  19. Took hilarious photos of any and every man with a mustache, automatically naming him RAMON. (The best Ramon was behind me in a gold 70’s style car with silver rims, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and a look that said, “Try me, motherfucker.”)
  20. Was asked to lunch by a guy’s mother via text message, after meeting the guy just once. (Why waste time?)
  21. Typed this blog post while lounging pool side, eating papaya
  22. Remembered that no one ever said life was meant to be taken seriously.

That’s only a partial list, but you get the idea. Holy mother of fun.

Though, I’m pretty sure that even if you don’t happen to have Costa Rica in your backyard, just closing your laptop for a few days and remembering that YOU’RE WORTH IT would do the trick.

You’re worth taking the extra time.

You’re worth the luxury of sleeping in when you need to.

You’re worth cutting yourself some slack.

You’re worth doing things the way you FEEL LIKE DOING THEM.

You’re worth a break.

You’re worth the opportunity to get outside and breath fresh air.

You’re worth that 3rd cup of coffee.

You’re worth the extra long shower.

You’re worth the more expensive version.

You’re worth the nice bottle of wine.

You’re worth taking the time to HAVE FUN.

You’re worth allowing yourself to be ridiculous, and create a Ramon photo collection.

You’re worth feeling what you want to feel.

You’re worth doing what you want to do.

You’re worth your wildest dreams.

And you’re worth carving out the time to nourish them.

So instead of hiking up your bootstraps, how about ripping ’em off for once, and taking a damn vacation, already?

Everything will get done.

Everything always gets done.

Everything except YOU.

And no, pervert, not that way.

Unless that’s really the truth, in which case, you should probably work on that, too.

The Middle Finger Project. Not Your Grandmother’s Blog.