Welcome to I Hate Monday, the most productive way for small business owners & s to procrastinate until it’s not Monday any. Cracking up about this: Parody slogans for start-ups and companies. Read through for a dose of clever inspiration (while simultaneously feeling ragingly jealous that you aren’t that clever), or chug a gallon of egg nog and submit your own! Formal permission to throw eggs at the house of whoever invented this godawful app. If you’ve ever worn a button
I Hate Monday: Edition #7
Welcome to I Hate Monday, the most productive way for small business owners & s to procrastinate until it’s not Monday any. Having a bad day? Feeling bitter? Want to punch somebody in the noggin? (Don’t actually do that, you guys.) This adult coloring bo, called “F*ck This Journal: Betterness Through Bitterness,” might just be the thing. As they say, embrace your cre-hate-tivity? If Christmas lights can screw with your Wifi, WE’RE ALL DOOMED. (Two points for you, Grinch.) The New
I Hate Monday: Edition #6
Welcome to I Hate Monday, the most productive way for small business owners & s to procrastinate until it’s not Monday any. First and foremost, let it be known that Cards Against Humanity ran the world’s best Black Friday sale ever, offering a revolutionary opportunity to pay $5 in exchange for…nothing. From their FAQ: “On Black Friday, everybody is selling something. We’re the only company to offer the superior Black Friday experience of buying nothing.” And guess what? They made $71,145!
You Don’t Have to Run Some Big, Cheesy Sale to Do Well
Picture it: Your d ones are sitting around roasting chestnuts on an open fire, while you’re hunched over the (pumpkin-pie-greased) keyboard, biting your fingertips and worrying whether or not you’ll have enough money to pull through to January. But what if you didn’t have to run some humongous holiday sale? What if you didn’t have to put ALL the pressure on yourself? What if you could make a few small changes and have it double your revenue in December-so January
I Hate Monday: Edition #5
Welcome to I Hate Monday, the most productive way for small business owners & s to procrastinate until it’s not Monday any. “I won’t give you the gift of hating you.” A man pens a letter to the terrorists who killed his wife, Helene, in Paris. How many times have you not done something because you were worried you’d suck? This new art exhibition is a tribute to suck. Called Permission to Fail, it showcases all the fuck-ups that came before
What if My Customers Aren’t All the Same? How Do I Appeal to Multiple Targets? It’s called Positioning (And for Once I’m Not Talking About the Kama Sutra)
SELLING YOUR STUFF TO OTHER HUMANS IS HARD. (Caps required.) It’s hard for a number of reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is because nobody really knows what to say. We’re all filled with a million different ugly little self-doubts floating around our nervous little brains. What should the head say? Do I emphasize this feature or that one? What’s going to really ho ’em? Will they think the price is too high? Most people who have a business,
I Hate Monday: Edition #4
Following the events of this past weekend, there’s a lot to be contemplative about today. More than anything, we should be spending time considering the recent acts in Paris, keeping up with the news & forming educated opinions about what’s happening in our world. Please, make time to get outraged. Make time to take it personally. Make time to be absolutely fucking destroyed. And then, and only then, when your brain and your heart and your hands are shaking so much they need
“How do I raise my rates without making it awkward?”
Well isn’t this the motherloving question of the year. It gets asked a lot sometime between the stages of that time you started your business and worked for peanuts because you were feeling wildly insecure about your worth and holy bananas I’ve been doing this for years and I’m still barely making rent even though I work around the clock, my armpits stink, and I haven’t seen the outside in days. You’ve come to the sobering reality that your rates
I Hate Monday: Edition #3
Welcome to I Hate Monday, the most productive way for small business owners & s to procrastinate until it’s not Monday any. By FAR this is my favorite thing on this list today: A video that shows what happens when people in other industries get asked to do free spec work first. DYING. Have you seen Dropbox Paper yet? They’ve finally jumped on the real-time collaboration band-wagon, à la Google Docs. Thank GOD. (One thing I do really like about it? The
Your Hatred is Wisdom
What is it? The thing you sighed with relief about this morning? The thing you didn’t have to do on a Saturday? The thing you exhaled about? (And maybe even shimmied around the room naked over. With this You Tube video playing. And at least two neighbors cursing you to hell.) That’s the thing. Pay very close attention to this thing. Whatever you found yourself ighted to be able to skip today? Is likely the same thing you find yourself not ighted
Do You Suck at Oral? A (Tongue-In-Cheek) Discussion on Why It’s Hard to Ask for Money
My first sales call was the most disgusting thing I’d ever done. I mean, I don’t even like talking on the phone with people I know, let alone people I don’t. My for the phone ended after the 7th grade, when boys stopped calling and AIM instant messenger sank its teeth into our corsage-donning little hearts. Back then, I was an instant messenger queen. I proved myself through my cat-like ability to manage multiple chat windows at a time
I Hate Monday: Edition #2
Welcome to I Hate Monday, the most productive way for small business owners & s to procrastinate until it’s not Monday any. 1. THERE IS A BOB ROSS PAINTING MARATHON HAPPENING ON TWITCH. That is all you need to know. Monday blues can officially be smothered in “little happy clouds.” 2. This is the worst idea anyone has EVER had. 3. Does the struggle of putting a tea bag into a cup of piping hot water really chap your ass? Don’t worry.
When New Opportunities Show Up, Waving Their Ta Ta’s
There’s a lot of…pressure these days. Post to ! And ! And Instagram! And Vine! And ! And AREN’T YOU PERISCOPING YET, YOU CURMUDGEON? Speaking of self-important broadcasts, have you started your podcast yet? Are you #1 on iTunes? DON’T YOU HAVE PLANS TO START A PODCAST?! I’m continually fascinated by the flock’s constant need to do shiny. Everyone’s so goddamn afraid they’re going to get left behind; that they’re going to miss the next best thing. It’s like you
“I don’t feel confident in my work.”
Are you squinting your eyes at the screen trying to decide if this describes you or not? (Of course you are, you’re probably reading this on an iPhone the size of my elbow.) It’s kind of an ugly characterization—nobody wants to admit to feeling less than confident in what you’re doing. And yet, I’ve got news: It’s so, so common. Here’s how it shows up: :: You’re nervous as hell about sending that invoice :: You pray when sending a
I Hate Monday: Edition #1
Welcome to I Hate Monday, the most productive way for small business owners & s to procrastinate until it’s not Monday any. There are four things I hate about Monday: Sunday is better. Everyone sends invoices on Monday. Why is this a thing? I can only figure it’s some kind of sadistic ritual that humans do to make themselves feel better about the fact that it’s not Sunday any. Lunch wine says “alcoholic” than any other day of the week.
Eventually you’re going to get to a point where you have to make a decision between wonderful and phenomenal.
“Can I be of service to you and your team as an informal advisor?” It was an e I didn’t want to have to send. I had been working off and on with Dan for years now. Dan was the ideal client. The CEO and founder of several big-time, multi-trazillion dollar companies you’ve heard of, he was whip smart, had his shit together, employed a brilliant team, and was somebody I respected and admired very much. Phone conversations with Dan
Look, We’ve All Got Our Faults. *Stomps Cigar*
Lo, we’ve all got our faults. I, for one, have a wrinkly ass neck. I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know when it happened. But all the sudden there are s as deep as the Panama Canal cutting across my trachea. Fortunately, all the resveratrol I’ve consumed over the years seems to have spared my face…so far. Or, I don’t know, maybe I should be thanking Laura Mercier for that. Ever since I was twenty one, I’ve been
Please, Don’t Get Hard (Even When Life Is)
So, I’m standing there at this bakery in Costa Rica, trying not to order the things one orders at a bakery, because if I order bakery-like things from this bakery, I might as well give my stomach pooch full on permission to never, ever fucking go away. And then what will become of me? Forget the fear of becoming a cat lady; I’m far terrified of becoming an angry, bitter old wench who could never stand to lo at
I Hate Monday: Edition #0
Welcome to the official I Hate Monday list of this week’s gems around the internet that are obviously way better than anything else you could possibly be doing today. 1. This girl’s voice. We met on the other day and just listening to her puts me in a creative mood. Art is everywhere, you know? Sidetone: Why the *!*$? can’t I sing like that? 2. In case you live on a polygamist ranch and have no idea what’s happening in the
Take an Online Writing Class With Me This Week…On Demand!
You know why we write words? Because the right ones change things. The right ones carjack hearts. Move people. Make sales. Grow businesses. And change people’s lives—including your own. The wrong ones, on the other hand, cock block all of that. (And by “cock block,” I mean prevent, deny, thwart, retard, hamper, hinder and hex the hell out of your efforts…just in case that wasn’t abundantly clear.) Because when it comes to YOUR words – your website copy / your
On Not Allowing: A Message for When You’re Feeling Whiny
“Just to let you know,” the massage therapist warned over the phone, “I’m blind.” She arrived to my house by taxi, and as she pulled up, she loed out the glass toward me as if she could see me…even though she could not. The art of the gesture stunned me. “Hello!” I greeted, wanting to be helpful without being condescending—a I wasn’t sure how not to cross. As she exited the car, the taxi driver—a shy, round thirty-something man
Plan On Being Nervous, Brilliantly
Being nervous sucks. Your pulse races. Your brain blanks. Your hands shake like little assholes. You tell yourself to take deep breaths, but the minute you do, you then worry that the entire room can see the fact that your heart is, in fact, doing the electric slide up and down your rib cage. (God help your soul if you’re wearing Spanx.) We’ve all had these moments—we’re a nervous bunch, you know? (Yes, even the confident ones.) Whether it’s the
“But How The $&%* Do I EXPLAIN What I’m Selling?”
You know how when you go to talk about something you’re selling (a class, a product, an idea…) and you’re all, “BUT HOW DO I EXPLAIN THAT?” Things are always so much easier to understand in your head, aren’t they? After all, YOU know what you’re selling. YOU know how great it is. YOU know that X, Y and Z works. So, why is it so hard to talk about? The first reason is because words are hard, yo. They
Big Things Don’t Happen in Big Ways
. That dot is where you are. ——–> . This dot is where you want to be. (Which makes me sound like a woman named Bonnie with big hair in a cheesy 1985 Visa commercial, but alas, I’m just a woman named Ash with big hair in 2015.) People have been talking about how to “reach your goals” for a realllllllllllllllllllllllllllly long time. Which is a worthwhile discussion, of course, because we all know that
If You Don’t Seem Capable…You Aren’t
The way you hold your wine glass. How leisurely you pour your words. The conviction found in your fork, as you slowly and quite iberately raise each bite to your mouth, as if rushes were for commoners and you hold the greatest secrets of the universe right there in between your forefinger and your thumb. Maybe you do. After all, there’s something about being the most confident person at the table that wreaks a healthy havoc in the minds of
An HR Handbook for Dealing With Assholes
Here’s a pessimistic point of view: People are assholes. The older I get, the I seem to notice them—which is either because the time I’m alive the I increase my odds, or because that god damn Certain Dri deodorant is actually some kind of dick magnet. Or, you know, maybe it’s the internet. As a tool that’s given a population of people one big, fat pink slip to run around screaming, “Me! Me! Me!” all the live
A Meditation on Shit Talkers
I got mad yesterday—like ear steaming, red hot, high-pitched, erratic kind of yelling mad. And, you know, I don’t get mad often. I’m generally very level-headed, very calm. Unless, of course, I’m drinking wine, in which case, “level-headed” might not be the best choice of words. Just ask the guy who filed a bogus chargeback on his credit card recently. I don’t play games. LET’S DO THIS, SON. But yesterday I got mad for a different reason—nary a fermented grape in sight. It