I’m sorry for throwing you under the bus after all of the good times we shared over the years. Even though we must part ways, we’ll always have Freshman year.
If you’ve been hanging out here for a while, you know that topics can tend to get a little heavy. And while big ideas are cool, over-seriousness is against my very being, and, well, sort of makes me want to vomit. So for that reason, I’ve decided to, errr, not be serious today. There. That’s my disclaimer. And look? It wasn’t even in fine print. Whoever said I wasn’t a good Samaritan?
Top 25 Signs You Need to Make a Change, Gain Self-Respect and/or Say No To Busch Light
1. Two words: Facial Hair. Ladies–I’m talking to you.
2. In anticipation for Monday morning, you nearly have a mental breakdown every Sunday night, as you hold your knees to your chest while calmly rocking back and forth, quietly humming the tune from Aretha Franklin’s “I will survive.” This is not normal behavior, and if you are doing this, I strongly encourage you to:
a) Seek counseling. Get hypnotized. Tie yourself to a chair covered in bombs, a la What About Bob. Whatever it takes.
b) Visit Steve Pavlina’s blog every single free moment you’ve got. Memorize. Repeat.
c) Dramatically increase your consumption of red wine. This may be the only thing I’m actually serious about in this entire post. Except for maybe letter E.
d) Banish all thoughts of slashing your boss’ tires–replace them with thoughts of how you can get his next conference call to “accidentally” dial into a porn hot line. That should be amusing.
e) Go to church; the office will seem so much more appealing thereafter.
f) As a last resort, binge on fruit roll ups. (What? I like them.)
3. You’re starting to wish that life had subtitles. Though, I think the real benefit to this would occur in bed; you’d be able to translate all of your “ooohhhs” and “ahhhs”–and whatever else you people say in bed–into Italiano with the click of a button. And how attractive is that? Even better–the reverse. Now anytime your lover says, “Are we almost done?” at least you’ll have no idea that you’re no good in bed. See? Self-respect pre-served.
4. If your lover actually does ask “Are we almost done?,” let that be another sign. A big one. With neon orange and green flashing lights.
5. You mix up “their” & “there.” Actually, this isn’t a sign of anything except, well–you fill in the blank–but since this is my blog post & and it’s one of my biggest pet peeves, I only thought it right to include it. I will only regret it if I ever do a post on pet peeves down the road and then I’ll be really mad that I already used such a good one here, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
6. You actually use the phrase “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
7. You’ve amused yourself for hours, sculpting a glazed ham into the likes of Rush Limbaugh.
8. You think Sean Ogle is the best thing since electric wine bottle openers.
9. Just kidding. Sean Ogle might very well be the best thing since electric wine bottle openers, which is a huge compliment. But only because he’s going to purchase my plane ticket to Thailand. (Subliminal–or not-so-subliminal–messages can’t hurt, right?)
10. You’re still telling your mom jokes. Wait, I take that back. I still tell your mom jokes, and refuse to believe that I need any self-respect. Your mom jokes are just too much fun. So is making out with random strangers. But I digress.
11. You find yourself fantasizing over cheese whiz. Nice and slow, now, put down the can. (Note: At first I wrote “cheese whip,” and knew something wasn’t right, but couldn’t figure out what was wrong with it. Apparently I need to start mainlining caffeine, stat.)
12. You speed up when people pass you, and turn it into a personal challenge. If you do do this, be sure that:
a) The other person isn’t OJ Simpson.
b) Your car can actually go over 55 mph.
c) There isn’t a railroad crossing. That could get really tricky, and unless you’re Vin Diesel, I’m going to bet that things probably won’t work out.
13. Your bed sheets have cartoon characters all over them. I don’t care who you are–if you’re over the age of twelve, this is weird. Especially if you are planning on inviting me over anytime soon. Or any other member of the opposite sex, with the exception of Avril Lavigne. I just have a feeling she rolls like that.
14. The most fun you’ve ever had was watching George Bush get hit in the head with a shoe over and over again.
15. Today, someone threw change into your coffee cup because they thought you were homeless. Do avoid all temptation to chase them down the street yelling, “You don’t get it! I’m a rebel, man! Suits are for losers!”
16. Speaking of coffee, substituting real sugar for artificial sweetener in your coffee is the most adventurous thing you’ve done lately. Man, was it a rush. (C’mon, everyone loves a good pun now and again, right?)
17. You make bets with yourself on who’s going to win American Idol, Dancing With The Stars & Lost. Clearly Dancing With the Stars is the only one that matters. *twiddles thumbs & whistles innocently*
18. Farmtown. Enough said.
19. You really want to purchase OnStar, just so you can have someone to talk to.
20. You’ve never experienced the magic otherwise known as Frank’s Hot Sauce.
21. You cry when the alarm clock goes off.
22. Facebook is the only reason anyone ever remembers your birthday.
23. Facebook is the only reason you ever remember anyone else’s birthday.
24. You regularly read obituaries so you know in advance where all of the good estate sales are going to be. Or for any other reason, really.
25. The name of your blog is called “The Middle Finger Project.” Seriously, what kind of a person would name something that?