I Hate Monday: Edition #11

IN: I Hate Monday

Welcome to I Hate Monday, obvoiusly the most productive way to procrastinate
until it’s not Monday anymore.

  1. This is going to be the best thing you watch today. It’s going to make you tear up. It’s going to make you smile. It’s going to make you feel like everything’s going to be okay. It’s going to make you want to run away to Italy with nothing more than a Moleskine, or let go of that thing you keep doing that you don’t really want to be doing, or maybe just remember that: “Your life is your life. Know it while you have it.
  2. “I don’t think it’s about ‘fake it til you make it‘ so much as ‘geek out on whatever ever makes you the most you you can be, and trust the process of it.‘” Laura Jane gives all of us hope in ourselves. I love this bitch.
  3. If you ever wanted to feel exactly like the lovechild of Harry Potter and Anthony Bourdain, go visit The Secret Door, a “portal” that allows you to “step” through the door and be in another random place in the world with the click of a button. As an aside, this is actually a brilliant marketing initiative for a company called Safestyle UK, “the number one installer of windows and doors.” See what they did there? If you had told the world to go to the website of Safestyle UK to buy some windows and doors, the world would tell you go to f*ck yourself. But give them a reason to come? A reason that isn’t all “buy this!” and “here’s a discount!” and “SALEEEE!”….and you might have a chance at latching onto their attention span. Remember Burger King’s Subservient Chicken? That was another example of this type of product marketing at work. (For those of you who don’t know, the Subservient Chicken was a man dressed in a chicken with a web cam, and people from around the world could type in commands like “jump” or “scratch your crotch,” or “drop down and give me 10!” and the man in the chicken suit would obey the internet’s command. It was an internet sensation for some time.) If you go to the website now, go ahead and check out the video at the top of the page. You’ll see how they’re keeping the Subservient Chicken brand alive–and using it to their benefit even ten years later. (By the way, the video is a trip. Nice job, BK!)
  4. My man John Lee Dumas has just launched pre-orders for his brand new baby, The Freedom Journal. Usually I hear fluffy names like this and want to kill myself, but—BUT—actually, Dumas is onto something here. It’s all about picking one goal and following through on it in 100 days flat, and using the journal to keep yourself accountable. If you’re wondering why I’m telling you to give a shit about this, there are three reasons: I love John’s approach (you can hear our interview together here; 2) The guy makes, like, $400K a month running an online business (view his income statements here), so he’s worth listening to; 3) For every sales goal they hit with The Freedom Journal, John is personally donating $25,000 to build a school with Pencils for Promise. So to that, I raise a goblet, stand on the table, and rally the TMF community to check it out. (I also trip over a turkey, but that’s neither here nor there.)
  5. I’ve been having urges to go to London like most women have urges to have children. The last time I was there a hundred years ago, I ran around in bright red Wellies kissing Spaniards and marveling at time. Because that’s what places like London are, aren’t they? Time, animated. Come to life. Every building like a battle scar; every broken piece of cobblestone like a fine line. Then you add in places like One Fine Stay—a more selective Airbnb that will make you yearn for things like crown moulding, for christ’s sake—and I’m pretty sure this is a sign that a Life Hooky getaway needs to happen there this year!
  6. Little tidbit of marketing wisdom for you: Turns out, customers would rather buy one month and get the next free…than get 50% off their first month. Funny enough, even though a 50% increase in quantity or a 33% discount in price are truly the same thing, consumers overwhelmingly assume the quantity increase is a better value. A handy little trick for you to remember.
  7. This website goes to show that you might have a bomb ass product, but if your website sucks? You’re doomed. I clicked right into this Tesla website and clicked right out. Come on, Tesla. You know better!
  8. These guys had a great concept: Quick and lightning fast photo retouch by just texting them a photo—almost like you were going to text your friend who’s a Photoshop genius. (And by the way, I would probably include something along those lines in my messaging, if I were them.) But, I couldn’t help notice that these guys made a bigggg no no when it came to their process: No eCommerce system. As it stands, you text them your picture, they do the retouching, and then if and only if you’re happy with it, do they send you a Paypal invoice for a measly $10 bucks via email, which they’re crossing all their toes and fingers hoping that you’ll actually pay. This not only makes things clunky, but is going to prove quite cumbersome, and also really detracts from our ability to take them seriously. The lesson here: eCommerce isn’t a luxury anymore, you guys. Being able to take people’s money quickly and efficiently isn’t just for your benefit—it’s for theirs, too.
  9. Find yourself complaining about the same things over and over? Start a business around it. That’s what Jason Smith, of Anchorage, Alaska, did when he got fed up from never having access to fresh lettuce…much less farm-to-table. Here, he’s built an entire business growing hydroponic lettuce. See? There’s hope for the offline muggles after all. ?
  10. Big ups to John Holm, a favorite linguist of mine who died over the holidays in Portugal. (Nerd alert: Did you know I have a master’s in Linguistics?) Holm was known for his study of pidgin & creole languages, and his role legitimizing those languages in the view of the mainstream, who prior wrote them off as “bastardized” languages of “real” ones. Yet, Holm was one of the guys who set out to prove that these language systems have their own rules, vocabulary, grammar structure – the works – and therefore were not merely bastardized, but languages in their own right. Something has always felt entrepreneurial to me about these kinds of languages. It just goes to prove that no matter what the circumstances, the human spirit is designed to create & connect with others. And it will do so no matter what it takes—even the development of a brand new language.
  11. I clicked into an article with the highest of hopes, titled, “The 10 Qualities That Make a Successful Online Marketing Team.” Given that I’ve got some hiring plans up my sleeve (you’ll be first to know!) I thought, “fuck yeah” as I bit into the chewy piece of cold lemon pepper chicken, leftover from yesterday’s lunch, that I had straightjacketed with a Mission Tortilla. (Normal breakfast behavior for a business owner, I assure you.) And then….the eye glaze. Go ahead, click in. Take a glance. You can’t even stand to read it, can you? This is a problem. It’s a problem for them, and it’s a problem for you. None of us have any patience anymore for this kind of chewed up, spit out entirely average vomit that might as well be an ad for “how to lose our attention in .5 seconds flat.” Here’s the thing: It’s not about the advice. It’s about the way you give it. When you make a numbered list containing items like “strong leadership,” “efficient communication,” “niche specialists,” “flexibility,” “a desire to learn,” “transparency,” “individual minds,” and “experience” (that’s the exact list), you know what message you’re sending? 1. This is some bullshit generic advice probably scraped off an About.Com website. 2. They’re not respecting my time by even trying. End result: Nothing. This piece of content does absolutely nothing for the company. And the reason I tell you that is this: Even if you’re talking about a tired topic, you shouldn’t talk about it in tired ways.
  12. Dying to say something a little edgy…but scared what people will think? I get emails from people all over the world who say they read TMF when they need balls, but you know who you should really be watching? Videos like these with Jon Stewart. (I especially love the humor happening around the 10 minute mark in that particular video.) I LOVE watching comedians when I need a little extra dose of “just do it, no one can arrest you for this.”
  13. Pro tip: Stop making 2015 recaps. Nobody cares. <—See? That was an example of something I really wanted to say but hesitated for a minute. Until now.
  14. Feeling overwhelmed…all the time? You need more margin. Because, guess what, never doing anything nice for yourself makes for a shitty life. <—Profound. But, “margin is not something that just happens – you have to fight for it.” (I like the way he’s planned out his week. Sometimes when you set rules for yourself, believe it or not, it gives you an excuse to obey them.)
  15. Something’s always going wrong…isn’t it? Reddit’s founder was going through a complete shitshow when he was just starting the company. Between girlfriends in comas and mothers dying of brain cancer, here he says that for anyone going through a difficult time when starting their business, one thing you should never prioritize is your business over your health and mental well-being. “As entrepreneurs, we’re already living slightly broken lifestyles. Chances are whatever role you have in your company is probably a vital one. And if you’re not doing the things you need to do for yourself, then you’re effectively not doing the things you need to do for your company.”
  16. For everyone who was peeing their pants with delight over the new Downton Abbey season premiere last night, you’ll be delighted to know that Julian Fellowes, the writer for the show, is creating something all-new called Belgravia, a serialized novel that marries the cliffhanger-ness of a TV series, with the beauty of a book. With its episodic delivery schedule, new chapters automatically get downloaded to user phones, tablets or computers, and I am SO excited to watch this unfold.
  17. This tweet.
  18. It’s funny, really. Everyone’s running around yelling about content creation, but you know what? Time and time again, Lead Pages has shown that people are really only opt-in in from a handful of pages. Those pages are your bread and butter. If growing your “newsletter”—GAG ME NOW FOR USING THAT TERM—is one of the things you promised yourself you were going to do this year, I highly suggest checking out their software. It’s like opt-ins for dummies…in the best way possible. ?
  19. What! This is an actual glass house (put down that stone, you naughty girl) that allows you to precisely control the amount of light, glare and heat that enters, which obviously makes this the SMARTEST HOUSE OF ALL. You can change the glass from translucent to transparent with a switch, and its primary function? Getting a hell of a good night’s sleep. Apparently, natural light is where it’s at—and it’ll only set you back $300 G’s.
  20. And last but not least, this fantastic Facebook response from a bar owner in none other than my hometown hood, Scranton, Pennsylvania, who had to deal with a real jerk off of a customer, who complained about a customer who had a heart attack in his restaurant on New Year’s Eve. Stand your ground, you guys. You are not a punching bag, either. <3


There we go. Politely piss off now, Monday. We’ll see you next week.


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